Ian: I'll get to reading at least some of your post this weekend when I don't have to worry about planning for gay class. You sure posted a lot.
Everyone: I already sent this to Mere, and I have strange trepidation about putting unfinished works on the internet, but I still think this poem needs a range of feedback by people who haven't read it, so, here is a link as I couldn't get it to format correctly on blogger for whatever reason.
3 comments:
wow Ally I'm really digging this. Can't say too much just yet because I gotta catch a bus to work but I'm loving how you used the framework of this bizarre narrative, & all the wild word play you use. I still hear your voice from what I'm used to, but there is so much more going on even then before & I don't quite know how to put my finger on it yet. I'll try to get back on a computer & give you some more constructive feedback but I do love the poem.
-ian
Ally, at first read i was completely in the dark for the first couple lines and then said to myself, shit i need to read this another time. Then i did, and its cool. sometimes your syntax is just completely out of control which works for and against you. What i like is that it really makes a clear narrative even though it is so crazy. THings though like mixing "no" and "know" are i think unecessary. I think that even if audio wise and word choice it ignores/is ignorant as a voice of syntax and grammar rules, that it would do you good to keep things on the paper looking neater. I could be broken up into stanza to give the reader some breathing space i think. also i really like
"Does Bernie have knowledge & awares lake’s fish-to-boot ratio?" but i think you should try to clarify it because it is so good but put in where it is, how he says hi to you before you know he sees you, it gets away from the original topic of the lake and i think confuses. also, the pabst cans being guard dogs make sense, in the companionship sense but not in the guarding, scary , barking way. I like that part alot anyway so who cares if it makes sense. i guess what i was saying though when i said your syntax was sometimes working against you is that rather than coming across as a voice it is sometimes just random. you should try to look over your poem and think about that (if it made sense), that is to say try creating a distinct
Consistent syntax for your voice rather than just putting each thought as it comes.
ray: if pabst made bernie an angry barking drunk, could you forgive it? do you think that connection could ever be drawn by other people?
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